Chapter One Beware the Fiber One Bar

I love breakfast. It’s what gets me out of bed in the  morning. I’m hungry. I’ve been in bed for a while, and I didn’t have any snacks while I was sleeping.  Anyway.

I get up for work pretty early. I feel I need something filling for breakfast. Coffee alone is not going to sustain my stomach for work. I recently discovered Fiber One bars. This cereal bar is packed with 30% of your daily fiber need. It’s extremely satisfying. The problem with this quick breakfast solution is gas. Once the bar hits my stomach it’s all down hill from there.

I teach middle school. Yeah, I like it, yeah it’s funny, and yeah it smells.

Being a middle school teacher requires a lot from you. You have to be willing to embarrass your self, willing to sit when they cry over nothing, willing to put up with attitude. Most importantly you must never pass gas around them. They will NOT let you live it down. This has happened to me twice. The first time we were silently lined up in the hallway. I’m an excellent teacher. My resume includes this bullet point:

• Expediently assembles children quietly

It happened I passed gas. They heard it and giggled. I turned as red as neck at a NASCAR.

The second time I was leaning over to help a student with work. So I was aiming at several students. It happened, it was loud. They giggled and for four months when I walked by they would make raspberry noises.

So these fiber one bars are causing a lot of anxiety in my class. I’m running out of the room to handle the situation. A room only has four corners. I’m having other people cover my class to run to the restroom. I’m talking about it all the time. I’m writing a book about it.

It seems to be dominating my life. I know there is a simple solution: stop eating the fiber one bar. But they are so good. What other simple easy solution can there be?

Yes I realize this chapter alone may keep this book from being published, but maybe it’s going to bring us a little closer together. Maybe this is the thing that will bring world peace. We’ve all read, Everybody Poops. But really Pooting in Public is the next best seller. I can feel it.