Chapter One Beware the Fiber One Bar

I love breakfast. It’s what gets me out of bed in the  morning. I’m hungry. I’ve been in bed for a while, and I didn’t have any snacks while I was sleeping.  Anyway.

I get up for work pretty early. I feel I need something filling for breakfast. Coffee alone is not going to sustain my stomach for work. I recently discovered Fiber One bars. This cereal bar is packed with 30% of your daily fiber need. It’s extremely satisfying. The problem with this quick breakfast solution is gas. Once the bar hits my stomach it’s all down hill from there.

I teach middle school. Yeah, I like it, yeah it’s funny, and yeah it smells.

Being a middle school teacher requires a lot from you. You have to be willing to embarrass your self, willing to sit when they cry over nothing, willing to put up with attitude. Most importantly you must never pass gas around them. They will NOT let you live it down. This has happened to me twice. The first time we were silently lined up in the hallway. I’m an excellent teacher. My resume includes this bullet point:

• Expediently assembles children quietly

It happened I passed gas. They heard it and giggled. I turned as red as neck at a NASCAR.

The second time I was leaning over to help a student with work. So I was aiming at several students. It happened, it was loud. They giggled and for four months when I walked by they would make raspberry noises.

So these fiber one bars are causing a lot of anxiety in my class. I’m running out of the room to handle the situation. A room only has four corners. I’m having other people cover my class to run to the restroom. I’m talking about it all the time. I’m writing a book about it.

It seems to be dominating my life. I know there is a simple solution: stop eating the fiber one bar. But they are so good. What other simple easy solution can there be?

Yes I realize this chapter alone may keep this book from being published, but maybe it’s going to bring us a little closer together. Maybe this is the thing that will bring world peace. We’ve all read, Everybody Poops. But really Pooting in Public is the next best seller. I can feel it.

Chapter 2 How to Avoid a Conversation When Lack of Eye Contact Does not cut it

Have you been in that conversation that doesn’t end? The conversation that has the worst timing. You know that person that you see coming and think, “Activate Superpower, Invisibility.” Maybe you are that person. Honestly this chapter is for both groups of people. I would like to address the former first.

Tips for conversing with people who can’t read body language.

Don’t flee. They are persistent, and accustom to the walk away. These people are going to follow you and continue to talk. Don’t back up, eventually you will hit a wall, and then there is nowhere to go. Instead plant yourself. Put your right foot in front of you and your left behind you. It kind of looks like you are going to do some stretching or lunges. Yes it looks odd, but it keeps them at a safe distance. This position also distracts them from their conversation. Typically these people don’t understand anything out of the ordinary. If you were listening to them you’d know that.  So once they are distracted, interject your excuse. “I have to find _______. Please excuse Me.” or “I’ll be right back.” or if I’m at work, my favorite excuse is, “My class is being loud, I have to go.” Now if the talker is in your classroom, or you can’t get away from them, starting a conversation with someone else is a great way to move on. 

Now for you close talkers, following talkers, and those who will continue to talk even if I’m not looking at you. 

Please be aware of the person you are talking to.  Look at his or her face. Are they grimacing? If so, pass them by every now and then.  They are not giving you that look because they dislike you. That, shoot me now, look just says, please don’t tell me another story about your kids, cats, or scrap booking.  No I don’t know how to register for the SAT’s no I don’t know what the Eighth Grade is doing for awards day. No I’m not surprised you adopted another animal. 

Give them a break. Give them a chance to like you. You’re making it too hard. Always leave on a high note. As soon as you get a laugh, walk away. This will make people like you better. They’ll say things like, “Hey where is_____? They have the best stories.” Then they’ll come to you. Trust me.

Please note. I am not terrible. I deal with middle school students. Forgive me for expecting more than a preteen mentality from adults.

Chapter 3 Yes I’m Important, Don’t You Hear my Keys Jingling?

I start with an apology. I know I am about to offend some very dear friends and acquaintances. But don’t worry; I’m not talking about you.

In my 28 almost 29 years on this earth I have met many kinds of people.  Living in Downtown Chattanooga I have met people who are homeless, pretentious, healthy, too healthy, pretending to be healthy, dirty, patchouli covered, organic, bearded and any combination of the like.  My favorite characters to come in contact with are the self important.

One method for determining the level of importance a person assigns him or herself is to look for one key article. Note, this is not the only method, but it has proved true on a number of occasions. You want to observe his or her belt, waist or other devise that can attach a set of keys to a human. If this person thinks he or she is important, you might find a key ring with at least 30 keys.  This plethora of keys says, “Trust me. Multitudes of people trust my ability to open and lock doors, safes, diaries, lockers, filing cabinets, and other secret places.  This makes me important.” 

Somehow I feel these key holders subconsciously want me to know, they can be trusted. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they do have a large amount of responsibility on their shoulders. But maybe, they don’t have to carry these keys everywhere. Maybe these keys could stay in the car when you’re out on Friday night. Maybe they could stay somewhere other than on your belt loop or lanyard after work hours. Why do I hear you coming? Do you want to be announced? Have you thought about it? I have.

Chapter Four Karma

This morning I saw an ant trapped in a spider web. I decided he needed a second chance at life so I set him free. Once liberated, I found that the spider had already started in on him.  They landed on my shoe and in a panic I killed them both. Chris told me I ruined the spider’s lunch. I felt a little guilty. I thought about how upset I would be if I were squashed during lunch. I started thinking about Karma. Then I recalled the other animal lives I’ve taken in just the past two weeks.

 I took the girls I babysit to the Nature Center the other day. A lovely experience, you drive through a beautiful park or you can walk through. Just outside the Nature Center is a single lane residential area. On our way out, in this small neighborhood I saw a turtle in the middle of the street.  Before I had time to think I heard the crunch. It was a terrible noise. I immediately looked back to see if the girls saw the murder. They had no reaction. I was so grateful.

Two days later I was driving the girls to the pool, a suicidal chipmunk threw himself under my tire. They did hear my reaction to the chipmunk, but I lied and said he made it. I just couldn’t deal with my guilt and their pathetic looks.  

Now add to my body count: spider at lunch, and ant I tried to save. If I believe in Karma, I should fully expect a giant hand, holding a fly flap*, to swat me any minute.  Thank you God for not letting this happen.

So there is an element of Karma I might buy in to. Booger Karma is a very real thing.  Let’s say you and I are hanging out and you have something hanging out of your nose. My dad calls them sheep’s legs. I am going to inform you that a booger is hanging in clear view, because I need you to do the same for me.  I haven’t had a lot of return on this one, but I do consider myself a better friend for it.

There are other applications of Booger Karma. Being a middle school teacher I’ve become a fighter of awkwardness. I keep my eyes open for things like boogers and unzipped pants, anything that is going keep a kid from feeling embarrassed. I have proof that it works too. One day I was in front of class teaching (I told you I’m a good teacher, I rarely sit down) a kid named Jorge raised his hand and said, “Miss, because you always tell us, I’m just letting you know, your pants are unzipped.”  A little red faced, I turned, zipped, thanked Jorge, and went on with my excellent lesson.

Please note that I don’t always recommend doing this, because I have been accused of staring at a grown man’s crotch when I told him his pants were unzipped. That day I just ran away. I didn’t know my good deed would go unappreciated.

*Fly Flap. Origins, Resaca, Georgia.

           

Unexpected Rudeness

I have recently come into a large sum of unexpected rudeness. I honestly did not know what to do with it, since not all of it was directed at me. This recent case prevented me from returning a rude tone.  In most situations, I have no problem returning rude tones that are greater than or equal to the tone received. Returning rudeness would have been hurtful to others around the situation, so my hands were tied. Today however, I am thinking back on the rudeness. My thoughts on the events are still angry, sarcastic, and hurt. So today I will blog.

Dear Rude People,

I am writing you to say, thank you. You have set before me an example of who not to be. I know for a fact, I will never be able to treat anyone the way you have treated me. Now that I have seen this kind of coldness first hand, I will work hard to be a more compassionate person. 

Please know that your message was heard loud and clear. My wish for you is that you will see what you do and change all that.  I know that you are quick to judge and you have no awareness of this fact.  It seems to me anyone who brags about open-mindedness, would take the time to get to know someone before predetermining how to treat them!

Good luck to you, and to whoever comes into your life next. I hope you like them more than you liked me!

Signed,

 Tara Reich